Yesterday you asked me "Why is fire made out of light?" I thought for a moment and came up with an answer that was accurate and yet, something you could wrap your inquiring mind around, at age 3 & 3/4. I said, "Fire is made out of light because fire is very hot and things that get very hot also get very bright! So if you ever see something that is very bright, it is probably very hot!" You pondered this for a moment as I looked for something to use as an example. I looked at the ceiling light in Quin's room and said, "See this light?" (You nodded.) "Well, it is very hot." I lifted you up and you hovered your hand below it and I asked if you felt the heat. Your expression changed to excitement and you nodded. I knew you understood. And that was that.
What I love about your mind is that it is always working. You are always pondering. You are so bright. Lately, you seem to be thinking much more. Your imagination is running wild and I often cannot keep up with you. It is frustrating sometimes. I know that I must seem frustrated a lot. I hope that someday you will also come to understand me.
What prompted me to start this journal was a need to write. I have always written as a release and I haven't done so in ages. I don't know if you will ever read this. My hopes are that you will, when the time is right.
You're in preschool right now and Quinny is sleeping. It is rare that I have silence all to myself. I sat on the couch, drinking tea and watching the birds on the feeder. I looked out to the huge cottonwoods that flank the river and thought of how majestic they are and how solitary they are even though they are in a big grove. That is kind of how life is, I realized. We are all here together but we are also solitary. At least I am. That is why me and your daddy love each other so much and get along so well because we have that understanding. It is okay to be alone and enjoy it. But it is also good to balance that with being social animals. If you can maintain this balance, you can achieve anything.
Never let a crowd influence what you decide or what you think about something, even if what you believe is different than others. I often worry, though, that you will suffer the same outcast plight I did growing up. Then, I remind myself of how different your childhood is from mine. Much of my experience growing up was circumstantial. I was a social child, like you, but because of what went on at home, I could never interact very well. I never quite fit in. But, being a particularly strong person, I never changed who I was although I was different than other kids. You shouldn't either, which is the point I am trying to make.
You light up a room when you walk in it. Everyone notices you. You carry an energy about you that is intoxicating and charming. You are my pride and joy and like I said yesterday, as we lay on the floor in your room together, just staring at each other like the best of friends in the whole world, you will always be my baby girl. Even when you are a grown up.
Love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky,
Mommy
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