Treasures

My two little loves -

My, what a couple of weeks it has been. We have all been so sick and have done so very little I almost think cabin fever is seriously starting to get to me.

I have been thinking a lot about what else to write to you two. I suppose I am under no pressure or guidelines and can simply say whatever I like. I keep thinking this is such a stupid idea (Anja, 3-year-old you would tell me "Mom, that isn't a nice word! We don't say that word!") and then I think it is a wonderful idea and I go back and forth.

I thought it would be more therapeutic for me than it is proving to be. I realize the more candid I am, the more, I fear, you will have to judge me on. At this point, I'm assuming that by the time you get to reading this, if ever, I will have done a great job raising you and our relationships will be strong and good and all the mistakes my parents made I have never made. I do that absolute best I can to be a good mommy to you little ones. I hope I will have done a wonderful job.

Quinny, you are running around like a mad man. You have just taken off and me and Daddy just look at each other when you are toddling out of the room and snicker at one another. You are just too cute with your protrusive little belly and that distinctive falling-from-foot-to-foot walk you have taken to.

Anja, today, you and I organized a couple of shelf bins full of hair stuff and other random treasures. I put together a little pouch of trinkets that include a few shiny rocks, a few river rocks you found, a button, a couple of Jade turtle figurines Mana and Papa brought back from Peru? Ecuador? I can't remember...anyway, a button, a bouncy ball and a few other random things. While Daddy went skiing, you played with them the entire time he was gone. You emptied it out, lined up your treasures, stared at them, thought, pondered, and then loaded them back into the pouch. You did this over and over and over again. I have never seen you focus on something other than a movie for this long before. I tried asking you why you liked doing it so much but I don't even think you were sure. I will try and ask you again tomorrow.

Love you both more than the moon,

Mama

Home = Heart

Dear Kids,

I have always been a homebody. Since I moved out of the house when I was 19 to strike out on my own until now. My most serene and happy moments are spent here with you, even if we aren't doing much of anything.

Just creating an ambiance at home with soft music and the sounds of your toys (as obnoxious as those sounds can become) and you two playing quietly together while I tidy up gives me great satisfaction.

On the other hand, I am extremely distractible and have next to no attention span so I find myself writing this note to you when, in fact, I should be tidying up the house and getting dinner ready. This gives me a huge amount of anxiety. I am struggling with how to manage this anxiety. I can't seem to pin it down.

Love you,

Mommy

Birdies

Dear Quin -

This morning, we had some one-on-one time for the first time since before Christmas. We sat on the couch together watching the birds. You would see one, get really excited and start cawing like a crow, bouncing on your little legs. I relish these times, if only short, that I can make you feel like it's just you and me, Little Man.

You are a good boy. A smart one. You can be demanding and have a bit of a temper, but you are so very loving and affectionate. Your new thing right now is giving kisses. I ask for a kiss and you do your little "O" face and plant a big, slobbery wet one right on my lips.

I'm spread thin right now with a lot of work on my plate and I worry that you don't always get the attention you deserve. But, I guess, I am still at home with you and your sister and you two are always my main priorities, even if I do work a bit at home. I need to be less hard on myself because you are my strong little boy and I know that you will go far in life. You are so special to me and we are connected in such a wonderful way as mother and son.

Don't ever forget how much I love you. How much your daddy loves you. How much your sissy loves you. You are one loved little man!

Mommy

Fire & Light

Dear Anja -

Yesterday you asked me "Why is fire made out of light?" I thought for a moment and came up with an answer that was accurate and yet, something you could wrap your inquiring mind around, at age 3 & 3/4. I said, "Fire is made out of light because fire is very hot and things that get very hot also get very bright! So if you ever see something that is very bright, it is probably very hot!" You pondered this for a moment as I looked for something to use as an example. I looked at the ceiling light in Quin's room and said, "See this light?" (You nodded.) "Well, it is very hot." I lifted you up and you hovered your hand below it and I asked if you felt the heat. Your expression changed to excitement and you nodded. I knew you understood. And that was that.

What I love about your mind is that it is always working. You are always pondering. You are so bright. Lately, you seem to be thinking much more. Your imagination is running wild and I often cannot keep up with you. It is frustrating sometimes. I know that I must seem frustrated a lot. I hope that someday you will also come to understand me.

What prompted me to start this journal was a need to write. I have always written as a release and I haven't done so in ages. I don't know if you will ever read this. My hopes are that you will, when the time is right.

You're in preschool right now and Quinny is sleeping. It is rare that I have silence all to myself. I sat on the couch, drinking tea and watching the birds on the feeder. I looked out to the huge cottonwoods that flank the river and thought of how majestic they are and how solitary they are even though they are in a big grove. That is kind of how life is, I realized. We are all here together but we are also solitary. At least I am. That is why me and your daddy love each other so much and get along so well because we have that understanding. It is okay to be alone and enjoy it. But it is also good to balance that with being social animals. If you can maintain this balance, you can achieve anything.

Never let a crowd influence what you decide or what you think about something, even if what you believe is different than others. I often worry, though, that you will suffer the same outcast plight I did growing up. Then, I remind myself of how different your childhood is from mine. Much of my experience growing up was circumstantial. I was a social child, like you, but because of what went on at home, I could never interact very well. I never quite fit in. But, being a particularly strong person, I never changed who I was although I was different than other kids. You shouldn't either, which is the point I am trying to make.

You light up a room when you walk in it. Everyone notices you. You carry an energy about you that is intoxicating and charming. You are my pride and joy and like I said yesterday, as we lay on the floor in your room together, just staring at each other like the best of friends in the whole world, you will always be my baby girl. Even when you are a grown up.

Love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky,

Mommy