The New Normal

 It's been three years since the pandemic hit. It's officially over and has been for awhile. But things are different now. You're both older and the impact of being away from other humans for nearly 2 years shows. Your generation has carried so much weight. You've both continued to grow into well-adjusted humans but I worry so much on the social impact it has had. So much of your interaction with peers happens on social media or in a virtual environment. When the school years start, you're exposed to all the illnesses and you come home sick often. Things we didn't worry about much before have become commonplace. The vaccine has left its mark on us. Hair loss, other mysterious symptoms that weren't there before that may or may not be related. School demands the same as it did before but shouldn't. I constantly worry about Quin having missed some important cord cutting milestones like 5th grade camp and others. You're more apt to stay home than to go out with friends. I know you'll be fine in the long run and this experience has made all of us stronger. But it still feels like a new world. 

Quarantine - Week 3

It's March 28th, 2020. Anja, you turned 13 yesterday. The glaze of the COVD-19 pandemic is heavy and we really had to be creative when it came to celebrating you. You were really disappointed in the morning. Even shed a few tears about it. I told you that it's okay to feel disappointed and that I was sorry. Even though it's a global issue that is out of my hands, I couldn't help feeling a little maternal guilt. 

Quinny, during the first week of the stay at home order, I asked you each to write down some feelings about all of this and you wrote that you were okay with it and that you have been sick and might have coronavirus and that you were okay with that because it might make you immune to it later. Ultimate optimism. 

Both of you are downstairs right now, giggling and jabbering back and forth and while we're all feeling a little stir crazy, there is a quiet peace about all of this. I know we're not alone in the fear and everyday tension. But the new home culture it is creating for many is a warm, quiet, enclosed embrace of having your very closest people as the only ones we interact with in person. It is eery but somehow, comforting as well.

I now know that this is the event that will define you as humans. As you grow up in the new culture of social distancing and increased awareness of the impact one person can have on so many, yourselves included, I believe you will become stronger, more globally aware, more humble, self-driven people. That is my wish. 

I love you both...

- Mom

Sick Day

<originally written and never published in winter 2011>

Quin & Anja -

Neither of you are feeling very well today. Most of my day has been spent rocking, rubbing backs, warming heat packs, and persuading you to drink water. It's a cold winter day and I've found myself rocking to the rhythm of the swaying trees outside your window, Anja, as I sat surrounded by Legos and other 4-year old accouterments, rocking Quin to sleep.

As I sat, lulling, I thought ahead to when you might be reading this and decided I will wait until you each have your own children. After the first few posts, I realized I have been holding back quite a lot. Quite a lot that I still might hold back but some of which I want you to know. For instance, that, as I said in my last post, I moved out of my mother's apartment when I was 19.

I look at the people in our life, like Francisca, who is almost 19, your one and only non-family babysitter and realize how young I was when I got my first apartment on 5th Avenue, by myself, in downtown Seattle. I didn't then but, in retrospect, realize how vulnerable I was, what a target I was. The world is a dangerous place for anyone, but, particularly to young women who still have a blind faith that everyone is basically good, like I did.

Quin, you may encounter obstacles as a young man that I might be able to offer insight on, however, I know that only your father will ever be able to truly understand at the core what the boyhood experience brings. You are lucky to have such a great man to guide you in this way. If I could offer you any advice I think he would want you to know it would be to be aware of your ambitious nature and follow your strengths. Your father has a drive in him that I see in you. It will carry you far in life and I hope that you will always be aware that you have this.

Anja, we women suffer the most from what society brings. I fear now what it will bring when you are of an age to start noticing. I am not a religious woman but I am spiritual and slightly superstitious, as I am sure you have found by the time you get to reading this. I believe that I had an energy about me when I found myself living alone in a big city that protected me from harm. Perhaps, it was The Wisdom. Funny how I find it appropriate to capitalize that. It's never been talked about in depth in our family, your maternal grandmother's family, but it is there. I am shocked to see these words as I write them.

I knew you had The Wisdom before you were born. I could feel it coursing through me and into you. I wrote you letters while you were in my womb. I need to find them. Basically put, The Wisdom, in my understanding, is an innate sense of truth and intuition that is very rare. At a young age, I knew that I had the ability to read into people's emotions and anticipate the results of certain situations. It can be a useful social skill but also one that brings heartache. Use it wisely.

it's all happening so fast...

what's cool is no one knows i've been keeping this blog to this day. i know i'll eventually reveal it to you two and maybe the world but until then, it will remain my little secret.

anja, you're 11 now and every day i pinch myself to make sure i'm really the mother of a tween. it has its ups and downs but mostly ups with you. you're a genuine, kind, creative, thoughtful, intelligent girl and i remind myself every day that our relationship is a universe away from what mine was with my mother when i was your age. life is complicated and technology and everything available at our fingertips all the time makes it even more complicated. my worry is that as you get older, i won't be able to track the people you communicate with or the social media channels you operate on as closely. it boils down to old fashioned verbal communication and keeping that line between us open and so far, we share everything. i fear that will change...but maybe it is just that. a fear.

quinny, my goodness. you are a barrel of energy and humor. you make me laugh everyday. you have inherited the nelson family humor gene and it shows itself in your random outbursts of dance and song and silliness. this past weekend at your match, after a year of shooting from 50 yards, you finally graduated back to 100 yards. i have never seen you so focused. so on point. you are wise beyond your years in that way. as you grow up, i suspect that skill will only increase and it makes me excited for what is to come for you. i worry, though, about the voice in your head. it seems that there tends to be a slight streak of pessimism and i fear that it will evolve into self-hatred. i always worry that i have created this. but then i remember that we are all born with our personalities written and the environment in which we're brought up only influences what is already there. i only hope that you know just how much you are loved. it seems shallow and cliche writing those words here.

the feeling of love i have for you and your sister goes beyond anything words can truly express.

it's quiet in the house and you are both still asleep. yesterday was a stressful day at work for me and i think it's bled into my mood this morning so i am just going to take a minute to collect myself before rousing you both. the weather is beautiful after a week of crap so that will help. i feel like we've been bleeding money with all of the activities you both are involved in and that is, admittedly, a weight that causes some stress. your dad and i work so hard so that you feel supported and you have opportunities we didn't. it brings tears to my eyes to think about it. when it's all said and done, i know that he would agree it is worth the stress!

love you both.

some catch up

it has been nearly 3 years since i've written anything to you both. i want to tell you how proud of you i am. every day that you've grown just a little bit more, i see traits in your personalities that i know will transform into successful, well-adjusted adults one day.

i have so much on my mind all the time i think i might not be positive enough when i communicate with you. our days are often fraught with the chaos of getting from one place to another, me stressing about dinner and work. i think i don't pause enough and acknowledge the things i like about each of you.

quin, you are a genuine, kind and hilarious little man. when dealing with others, you are selfless and giving. always remember to protect your bottom line. you are very particular about most things and while this will serve you well in your career path, don't forget to loosen up and allow things to happen and don't try to control every little thing. you'll always end up disappointed that way.

anja, you are genuine, kind and creative. you have a heartfelt concern for what goes on between people and you want to solve problems and for everyone to be happy. i love this about you and you'll be loved for it. don't ever let anyone take advantage of that genuine kindness and concern. remember to care about you, too.

not sure what motivated me to write to you today aside from feeling like i need to be writing more. even if it's just for you and for me.

Anja, 7 years old

I look at my other entries in this journal and it is finally clear to me why I started it. It is more for my own memory than to explain to you about your childhood. That will be an inadvertent advantage if I decide to ever make this thing public. 

It's Mother's Day weekend. I just worked my first shift at The Loft and you were too sick to go to school so you hung out with Mana and Papa. Something you love to do. Something I am so glad you are able to do because they mean so much to me and I know they mean so much to you, too. I am so glad to be able to share that relationship with you. People who support you unconditionally are very few and far between. They have brought me through so much in my own life. I hope that you will always look to me in that way. I always say they are my surrogate parents because while my parents were busy with their own problems and instabilities, Mana and Papa were always a pillar of strength. I feel so lucky to have your daddy in my life because we want to be that pillar for you and Quin.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been very stressful because we've all been sick and I have been trying to balance all of our schedules. I took the PST and while I passed the written test I didn't pass the physical test so I will have to go back to retest. So processing the commitment to the idea of becoming (or attempting to become) a police officer is something I am constantly thinking about right now. Probably making me seem distant and preoccupied. I try to be present as much as possible. It's difficult in this age of social media and hand-held devices…

And in the middle of writing this, I'm yelling at Quin to sit his butt down and watch the movie you both chose for your Friday movie. Cue the guilt. (Big deep breath…and continue.)

…At the beginning of the new year, while looking on Craigslist for potential opportunities, I happened upon The Medium, a design studio out here in the Valley. Long story short, after communicating with them a few times, they hired me. I worked for a couple of months on a regular schedule, for a regular paycheck…something that I hadn't done for years. It was refreshing. A relief. Something consistent. Then, just before Spring break, they confessed to me they couldn't afford to have me on regularly and would rather partner with me and add photography as a service of their studio and have me run that division. Awesome! I say that seriously but also with a hint of sarcasm. While I have hit the ground running with some very big jobs for them, the whole experience really made me assess what I want and I realize, I've grown up so much since you were born. You are 7. I am 7 years older than when you were born. While you are so young, as an adult that is a good block of time and so much change can occur within you. Sometimes lessons are gradual. But others are very quick. 

This epiphany that I am ready for something different, more stable and more consistent has snapped me out of a lull I've been in for a long time. I have loved being at home with you and Quinny. And I will continue to be there for you when you need me. Now, I simply realize, in order to stay focused and sane, I have to have some goals for the future. I want you to know, from this, that you can do anything anything anything that you set your mind to. Even if, at first, you don't think you're capable of it, give it time and patience and work your ass off and you can reach your goals. 

I took my nose piercing out. A piece of my identity since I was 18. It's a big deal. After a few days of having it out, I even put it back in to see if I was really truly done with it. I was. I was done. It is like shedding old skin. It reminds me of recklessness, instability, immaturity and a more youthful way of living. We all go through it in different ways. I loved it for many years but it was time to move on.

I've grown up. You have shaped me. You and Quin. Your daddy. You all give me a reason to get up in the morning and be the best version of myself I can be. 

I want you to know that, in life, often, the right course will not always be the easiest. But if it feels right, if your inner voice is telling you it is right and your gut tells you it is right, go for it. Put on your armor and fight for what you believe in. Know that you might hit resistance but you should stay your course. 

I love you, baby. 

some words of wisdom

Here is a little fortune that I found in your closet, Anja, as I was attempting to clean it out for Spring:

"Be kind to others. They are fighting their battles, too."

Also, something I want you both to understand about life that I still have to remind myself of:

Put on a hood and run headfirst into the rain cloud. Let people think you are crazy because when yo reach your goals, you will have the last laugh.