i'm angry. so angry. angry about things that happened long ago before you were even a twinkle in my eye. before i was a grown up. things that cannot be changed.
recently, your aunt was married in philadelphia and i went away for 5 days. they were the hardest 5 days of my life. being away from you and among people who brought me so much discomfort was one of the most excruciating things i have ever done. and it was all in the name of supporting my sister. the experience was intense. there were a lot of old feelings that came up that i have not addressed in many years. i had just come to a very peaceful point within myself only to have it completely overthrown when i arrived. the details of which are inconsequential.
but, it was brought to my attention that since my return, i've been different. my fuse has been shorter. my temper more sensitive to smaller things. all because i am hanging onto this anger. it is consuming me and i want to let it go. by the time you read this, this time will have past and i will have recovered and you will both be happy and well-adjusted, settling into your young adulthood.
what i want to express to you is the importance of letting go of anger. it is a difficult task and sometimes requires time and thought and working it out within yourself. but do whatever you have to do to let it go. i've done it before and the results are amazing. but it has been a long time and i have to relearn how i did it before. i'm back at square one. and i've been taking it out on you both. mostly you, anja, and i'm so very sorry. i hope that you remember me as a loving, caring, strong, good mother. not one who screamed and yelled and was angry all the time. i'm making this commitment to deal with this the best i can and come out a better person. a better mom. and a better wife.
i love you both more than the moon the stars and the sky,
mama
