Sick Day

<originally written and never published in winter 2011>

Quin & Anja -

Neither of you are feeling very well today. Most of my day has been spent rocking, rubbing backs, warming heat packs, and persuading you to drink water. It's a cold winter day and I've found myself rocking to the rhythm of the swaying trees outside your window, Anja, as I sat surrounded by Legos and other 4-year old accouterments, rocking Quin to sleep.

As I sat, lulling, I thought ahead to when you might be reading this and decided I will wait until you each have your own children. After the first few posts, I realized I have been holding back quite a lot. Quite a lot that I still might hold back but some of which I want you to know. For instance, that, as I said in my last post, I moved out of my mother's apartment when I was 19.

I look at the people in our life, like Francisca, who is almost 19, your one and only non-family babysitter and realize how young I was when I got my first apartment on 5th Avenue, by myself, in downtown Seattle. I didn't then but, in retrospect, realize how vulnerable I was, what a target I was. The world is a dangerous place for anyone, but, particularly to young women who still have a blind faith that everyone is basically good, like I did.

Quin, you may encounter obstacles as a young man that I might be able to offer insight on, however, I know that only your father will ever be able to truly understand at the core what the boyhood experience brings. You are lucky to have such a great man to guide you in this way. If I could offer you any advice I think he would want you to know it would be to be aware of your ambitious nature and follow your strengths. Your father has a drive in him that I see in you. It will carry you far in life and I hope that you will always be aware that you have this.

Anja, we women suffer the most from what society brings. I fear now what it will bring when you are of an age to start noticing. I am not a religious woman but I am spiritual and slightly superstitious, as I am sure you have found by the time you get to reading this. I believe that I had an energy about me when I found myself living alone in a big city that protected me from harm. Perhaps, it was The Wisdom. Funny how I find it appropriate to capitalize that. It's never been talked about in depth in our family, your maternal grandmother's family, but it is there. I am shocked to see these words as I write them.

I knew you had The Wisdom before you were born. I could feel it coursing through me and into you. I wrote you letters while you were in my womb. I need to find them. Basically put, The Wisdom, in my understanding, is an innate sense of truth and intuition that is very rare. At a young age, I knew that I had the ability to read into people's emotions and anticipate the results of certain situations. It can be a useful social skill but also one that brings heartache. Use it wisely.

it's all happening so fast...

what's cool is no one knows i've been keeping this blog to this day. i know i'll eventually reveal it to you two and maybe the world but until then, it will remain my little secret.

anja, you're 11 now and every day i pinch myself to make sure i'm really the mother of a tween. it has its ups and downs but mostly ups with you. you're a genuine, kind, creative, thoughtful, intelligent girl and i remind myself every day that our relationship is a universe away from what mine was with my mother when i was your age. life is complicated and technology and everything available at our fingertips all the time makes it even more complicated. my worry is that as you get older, i won't be able to track the people you communicate with or the social media channels you operate on as closely. it boils down to old fashioned verbal communication and keeping that line between us open and so far, we share everything. i fear that will change...but maybe it is just that. a fear.

quinny, my goodness. you are a barrel of energy and humor. you make me laugh everyday. you have inherited the nelson family humor gene and it shows itself in your random outbursts of dance and song and silliness. this past weekend at your match, after a year of shooting from 50 yards, you finally graduated back to 100 yards. i have never seen you so focused. so on point. you are wise beyond your years in that way. as you grow up, i suspect that skill will only increase and it makes me excited for what is to come for you. i worry, though, about the voice in your head. it seems that there tends to be a slight streak of pessimism and i fear that it will evolve into self-hatred. i always worry that i have created this. but then i remember that we are all born with our personalities written and the environment in which we're brought up only influences what is already there. i only hope that you know just how much you are loved. it seems shallow and cliche writing those words here.

the feeling of love i have for you and your sister goes beyond anything words can truly express.

it's quiet in the house and you are both still asleep. yesterday was a stressful day at work for me and i think it's bled into my mood this morning so i am just going to take a minute to collect myself before rousing you both. the weather is beautiful after a week of crap so that will help. i feel like we've been bleeding money with all of the activities you both are involved in and that is, admittedly, a weight that causes some stress. your dad and i work so hard so that you feel supported and you have opportunities we didn't. it brings tears to my eyes to think about it. when it's all said and done, i know that he would agree it is worth the stress!

love you both.