I look at my other entries in this journal and it is finally clear to me why I started it. It is more for my own memory than to explain to you about your childhood. That will be an inadvertent advantage if I decide to ever make this thing public.
It's Mother's Day weekend. I just worked my first shift at The Loft and you were too sick to go to school so you hung out with Mana and Papa. Something you love to do. Something I am so glad you are able to do because they mean so much to me and I know they mean so much to you, too. I am so glad to be able to share that relationship with you. People who support you unconditionally are very few and far between. They have brought me through so much in my own life. I hope that you will always look to me in that way. I always say they are my surrogate parents because while my parents were busy with their own problems and instabilities, Mana and Papa were always a pillar of strength. I feel so lucky to have your daddy in my life because we want to be that pillar for you and Quin.
Anyway, the past few weeks have been very stressful because we've all been sick and I have been trying to balance all of our schedules. I took the PST and while I passed the written test I didn't pass the physical test so I will have to go back to retest. So processing the commitment to the idea of becoming (or attempting to become) a police officer is something I am constantly thinking about right now. Probably making me seem distant and preoccupied. I try to be present as much as possible. It's difficult in this age of social media and hand-held devices…
And in the middle of writing this, I'm yelling at Quin to sit his butt down and watch the movie you both chose for your Friday movie. Cue the guilt. (Big deep breath…and continue.)
…At the beginning of the new year, while looking on Craigslist for potential opportunities, I happened upon The Medium, a design studio out here in the Valley. Long story short, after communicating with them a few times, they hired me. I worked for a couple of months on a regular schedule, for a regular paycheck…something that I hadn't done for years. It was refreshing. A relief. Something consistent. Then, just before Spring break, they confessed to me they couldn't afford to have me on regularly and would rather partner with me and add photography as a service of their studio and have me run that division. Awesome! I say that seriously but also with a hint of sarcasm. While I have hit the ground running with some very big jobs for them, the whole experience really made me assess what I want and I realize, I've grown up so much since you were born. You are 7. I am 7 years older than when you were born. While you are so young, as an adult that is a good block of time and so much change can occur within you. Sometimes lessons are gradual. But others are very quick.
This epiphany that I am ready for something different, more stable and more consistent has snapped me out of a lull I've been in for a long time. I have loved being at home with you and Quinny. And I will continue to be there for you when you need me. Now, I simply realize, in order to stay focused and sane, I have to have some goals for the future. I want you to know, from this, that you can do anything anything anything that you set your mind to. Even if, at first, you don't think you're capable of it, give it time and patience and work your ass off and you can reach your goals.
I took my nose piercing out. A piece of my identity since I was 18. It's a big deal. After a few days of having it out, I even put it back in to see if I was really truly done with it. I was. I was done. It is like shedding old skin. It reminds me of recklessness, instability, immaturity and a more youthful way of living. We all go through it in different ways. I loved it for many years but it was time to move on.
I've grown up. You have shaped me. You and Quin. Your daddy. You all give me a reason to get up in the morning and be the best version of myself I can be.
I want you to know that, in life, often, the right course will not always be the easiest. But if it feels right, if your inner voice is telling you it is right and your gut tells you it is right, go for it. Put on your armor and fight for what you believe in. Know that you might hit resistance but you should stay your course.
I love you, baby.
