A big week of change!

To my beautiful babies who are growing so quickly before my eyes:

Tuesday this week, Anja, you started Kindergarten and Quin, you turned 3. The next day, you started preschool, Quinny. You had a rough time. You were all smiles until you realized I wasn't in the room (little did you know I was waiting in the lobby, listening intently for the wail I knew would come). You were in tears when I left and it cut me to the core. Anja, it finally hit me on Thursday, when you skipped cheerfully to the playground without even looking back. I knew it would all come rushing toward me like a flash flood but just wasn't sure when. I went longer without processing it than I thought I would. I got home and broke down. The tears aren't stopping either. The last five and a half years of my life have been the most rewarding, happy, sleepy, cuddly, lovely years of my entire life and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. You two are growing up so fast and it has been a joy (albeit bittersweet) to watch you grow and learn. I love you both so much. More than you will ever know.

Love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky,
Mama

baby books, memories, preservation.

Dear Anja & Quin -

The other day we were at Michael & Lora's for Allie and Lora's birthdays. Mana had given Lora her baby book for her birthday, which contained pictures, notes and other milestones that Mana had kept up with since Lora was little. We got onto the subject of this and I made the mistake of saying that I hadn't done that for either of you. Of course, that set off a chain of comments from Mana about how I should have done it, etc. etc. Papa injected his opinion of me sitting on thousands of pictures of you each since you were born saying "If you don't do something with them, you'll be sorry!"

You may perceive an air of resentment for these statements and naturally so. There is a part of me that feels bad for not doing this. On the other hand, your lives have been documented from birth and while I do intend on doing something physical with the images and videos (by the time you read this, I likely already have), I don't have a sense of urgency about it. Maybe this is a mistake. Or maybe, I am just satisfied with the experience of watching you two grow up, taking everything in, remembering what I can and the things I forget, realizing they made an impact either way on who I am as a person. I don't feel like I need to prove this. Being your mother has been the greatest experience of my life. And regardless of the things I remember (like the fact that you, Quin, say "I tah-did" when you are tired, or when I ask you to hold up your shirt so I can secure your diaper, you tease me by putting your hands high in the air and say "Like dis?". Or that you, Anja, are currently obsessed with a particular pair of denim shorts that you prefer to wear every single day with a long sleeved shirt and your sweater boots, regardless of the 80-degree weather), I know in my heart that every little quip, every little -ism has made a mark on my psyche. And will continue to do so. No one can take that away from me and that is why I am not rushing to put together a pretty pink or handsome blue album of hair clippings (what are you going to do with hair clippings? Seriously.) and a barrage of firsts.

As you read this, know that my pride of you both far exceeds what anything physical could express.

I love you both with all my heart,
Mama

don't let anger eat you up.

anja & quin -

i'm angry. so angry. angry about things that happened long ago before you were even a twinkle in my eye. before i was a grown up. things that cannot be changed.

recently, your aunt was married in philadelphia and i went away for 5 days. they were the hardest 5 days of my life. being away from you and among people who brought me so much discomfort was one of the most excruciating things i have ever done. and it was all in the name of supporting my sister. the experience was intense. there were a lot of old feelings that came up that i have not addressed in many years. i had just come to a very peaceful point within myself only to have it completely overthrown when i arrived. the details of which are inconsequential.

but, it was brought to my attention that since my return, i've been different. my fuse has been shorter. my temper more sensitive to smaller things. all because i am hanging onto this anger. it is consuming me and i want to let it go. by the time you read this, this time will have past and i will have recovered and you will both be happy and well-adjusted, settling into your young adulthood.

what i want to express to you is the importance of letting go of anger. it is a difficult task and sometimes requires time and thought and working it out within yourself. but do whatever you have to do to let it go. i've done it before and the results are amazing. but it has been a long time and i have to relearn how i did it before. i'm back at square one. and i've been taking it out on you both. mostly you, anja, and i'm so very sorry. i hope that you remember me as a loving, caring, strong, good mother. not one who screamed and yelled and was angry all the time. i'm making this commitment to deal with this the best i can and come out a better person. a better mom. and a better wife.

i love you both more than the moon the stars and the sky,

mama